2004-08-09 - 11:05 p.m. - public transit and a ghost from the past

It hit me Saturday night as I pulled my car into the driveway – tonight was the last night I’d be parking my car here. My eyes actually welled up a bit with tears…silly, I know, but I think the car leaving on Sunday made my soon departure all the more imminent.

I had just returned from visiting a friend who is struggling over a breakup with his girlfriend. We watched a foreign film made in Iran called "Children of Heaven". It’s a beautiful film about two children (brother and sister) who end up having to share the same pair of shoes (sneakers) each day to go to school. They each attend a half day and have to switch from slippers to shoes midway between their home and school. But the film is SO MUCH more than that…at the heart of it is love. The children in it are fabulous and I’d highly recommend it.

On Sunday I made one set of errands with my car. I first had it washed and then vacuumed it myself, and my final errand with it was to the record store to buy a CD for a friend. As I was going, the Beatles’ song, "With a Little Help from My Friends" came on and I thought it very appropriate as a couple of my friends have offered me their cars this week for errand runs should I need to (and I will!) Music and book stores are really the only two places I like to shop, so I was happy my last errand was at one of those two places. My original intention was to just buy my friend the CD, but once I got in there, I just had to look around and ended up buying a CD of Venezuelan music, the Cowboy Junkies Greatest Hits, and the new Ambulance Ltd. CD. Of course there were a number of others I could have bought, but I got control of myself and limited my purchase to 4 – 3 for me and one for my friend. Now I just have to get them burned on the computer and transferred to my iPOD.

When the woman who bought my car drove away from my driveway, it felt a bit odd to see someone I barely knew take off in MY vehicle – oh that’s right, I just signed over the title to her and am holding this nifty check instead. I did watch her drive away and said a silent farewell to the vehicle that had treated me so well. Thank you little car. You done good.

So today I was more or less homebound and packing up stuff. I did use the public transit to go downtown later on this afternoon to go to the bank and then meet friends for dinner. I really do like public transit for people watching and for being able to read and/or zone out while still getting to your destination. A few summers back when I was working in a lab at OHSU, I used to ride the bus everyday because it was a lot easier than parking up there AND I got a free bus pass. Digging for the correct change isn’t as fun, but the people watching is still great.

On my way home from downtown a young woman boarded the bus shortly after I did. Because it was so hot here today, she was wearing a top that had an open back, and when she turned she was like a walking skeleton. I almost wanted to give her a couple of bucks and tell her to please have an ice cream cone to get some sustenance in her. Then I would have told her that if she thinks she looks great and healthy and has everything under control that she’s only fooling herself. I know because I’ve been there.

But even if I had said something, I know she wouldn’t listen to me. I know because I remember others telling me the same thing. "I’m FINE!" I would tell them, but we all know that’s just short for "Fucking Inarticulateness Never Ends". I really wasn’t fine but I didn’t know how to tell myself or anyone else. I couldn’t even admit I had a problem because I was in denial at the time, and it took over 18 years for me to finally realize that I did have an eating disorder back then. Hindsight can enlighten even the darkest hours. But I was lucky and somehow got through it all without killing myself or having to check into a clinic.

That’s not to say that ghostly habits of the past don’t ever return to haunt me at times. More than once within the past couple of weeks, I’ve had to stop and make myself eat. On the surface, I blame the lack of time because of all I’m doing – I’d rather just hook up an IV with nutrients to my arm – it would be so much more efficient. ;) But then I start to wonder – am I feeling my life is out of control so I resort back to the one thing I know I know I can "control"? It’s funny when you think you have power and control over something, how easy it is to take it to the extremes and ultimately get out of control. At least I’m aware of it now and do make time to eat something like left-over chicken directly from the restaurant package – no heating or utensils necessary – that just takes more time! But the one good thing is that I have been meeting various friends for dinners so at least I’m eating one good meal a day.

Still, the whole encounter on the bus with the Mary Kate Olsen’s body double made me think of Bobby Burgess’s situation with his (former?) girlfriend "Claire". How frustrating it must be to see someone you love doing that to themselves and to realize that there is little you can do to help them. You can encourage them to see a counselor, make bargains with them related to finishing a meal or even a snack, but ultimately the power for them to change lies within. Unfortunately it is often buried deep below their image of a perfect body – an image that has been distorted way out of proportion - a distortion contorted further by today’s media. And the struggle to reject that "perfect" image and just be happy with yourself, cellulite and all, is on-going.

30-something - 2005-03-01
the holding back the the flow of tears - 2005-02-20
song survey - 2005-02-15
song for the day...or perhaps the year... - 2005-01-25
something new - 2005-01-24
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