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2004-07-14 - 11:03 p.m. - teop tires of being nice I’m tired of being nice. I mean, I guess it’s my nature, but I wish whatever genes control that trait would turn off for a while so I could see what the other side is like. The only time I do see that side is when I’m behind the wheel and someone in front of me decides to go 5 – 10 miles per hour below the speed limit. "This isn’t a fucking country road, lard ass! If you’re not going at least 5 mph over the speed limit, you don’t belong in front of me." Oh, sorry… Last Sunday this guy who is in the same class I attend asked me if I’d be interested in meeting up with him at the Rose Garden for a walk sometime. He’s really not my type at all, but he’s a nice enough person so I thought I’d be nice and say yes. Well, we met there tonight around 6 p.m. The blooming roses were gorgeous and the trees in the arboretum are beautiful. I even got a chance to glimpse over the fence at the Japanese Gardens (which were closing) to the peaceful and so feng shui arrangement of nature. But I was bored. Like I said, he’s totally not my type, but I said yes because I was being fucking nice. He’s a little older than I thought he was – he’s 55 and I thought he was about 50 or so. But he certainly doesn’t have the youth and vigor I need to get me excited. I tried my best to make small talk, but he’s quite shy and I found it hard to maintain a conversation. You could say there were moments of silence as we walked, which is fine with me because I had some entertaining visualizations going on in my brain. Given he didn’t know who the Indigo Girls were when I mentioned they were playing at the Zoo (which we were walking near), I found it amusing to imagine him listening to Iggy Pop, Nirvana, Buzzcocks or NIN. Or maybe early Stranglers. Even better – Violent Femmes - "Why can’t I get just one fuck…." While we were sitting watching this dress rehearsal of a musical at an outdoor amphitheater, a group of people walked by, one of which I thought looked familiar. Sure enough, this young man comes over and says Ms. Teop??? He was a student of mine who graduated back in ’99!! I had remembered his face but not his name – it had gotten deleted long ago from my very small memory bank of names. He was so sweet – he gave me a big hug and introduced me to his girlfriend. He had gone to NY for a couple of years with some Christian organization and had just finished getting his 2 year associates degree. He thinks he wants to be a teacher – history perhaps. They were so bubbly and fun that I started thinking, "can I join your picnic….PLEASE??" Later on we passed by a guy in a cool tie-dye t-shirt getting something out of the back of his pick-up while his dog jumped around. "Can I join you….PLEASE?" Oh, I know – that’s mean. But I was BORED. I would have rather stayed at home finishing up my banking or cleaning my bathroom. Maybe it was karma and I was very boring for someone else at some point in time. I am SO SORRY!!!! And it’s funny, this guy has been in the class with me for over a couple of years now, and he waits until a month before I’m leaving to ask me on a date (if you want to call it that). I’m kind of glad actually because now I can say that I’m too busy getting ready to leave and won’t have time for any more walks. I’m basically busy for the rest of my life. Another example of "wait until she’s leaving for another country before asking her out on a date" type of thing happened not too long ago with my housemate. He had helped me with some yard work and also had a birthday coming up so I said let’s go out so I can treat you to dinner and some drinks. So we did and had an enjoyable evening – two people out together, but not on a date, just a thank you and happy birthday dinner. You see – he’s not my type either. I mean, I’m in no way physically attracted to him at all – he’s not the small in stature artsy/musician type I generally go gah gah over. And he voted for Bush! That should be the horror that ends all horrors. Aside from that, he’s a good housemate, is quiet and respectful and pays his rent on time. A short time later before I was going out for the evening he told me he liked the sweater I was wearing. "Thanks." I didn’t think too much of it, but it did occur to me that he usually didn’t comment on my attire – not that I’m any fashion queen by any means. Then a couple of days later, he tells me he needs to have a serious talk with me. "Oh, oh – what did I do….was I too noisy with my music? Too much of a slob? I know I have way too many piles of crap around…" Those were the thoughts zipping through my brain. He told me he had become quite attracted to me – I was which is his type, very NICE (there we go again – why don’t we just fucking put my picture next to that word in the dictionary…), and he didn’t know if I might want to pursue a relationship with him. I thanked him for the compliment, told him I was flattered, but that I was 1) leaving the country very soon, and 2) that I didn’t feel the same way about him. He took it well – he said that because he has a thing about commitments, that’s what made it even more attractive to him – he could get some of his needs met and if it worked out – great. Oh – so he wants just a sexual relationship! (This occurred to me later – I’m kind of slow at times – especially given I was exhausted from grading a bunch of labs at the time). Good God, that’s the last thing I want – a purely sexual relationship without the commitment to share the rest of ourselves as well (unless it’s with Bono, Brad Pitt, Sting, Peter Holmstrom of the Dandy Warhols, Mr. Married Right, etc…) – note the common ties here – all in the arts, all beautiful in my eyes, and unfortunately all unattainable AND married…hmmm…I guess I might have some commitment issues myself. At times I think maybe I should have a summer fling before I leave – oh, but NICE girls don’t do that sort of thing. Shit, I’m fucked…. or rather, NOT fucked! I don’t know which is worse.
30-something - 2005-03-01
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