2004-06-17 - 11:15 p.m. - Chuck Palahniuk and my changing fantasy

I can’t figure myself out – I don’t’ really know why I’m so bothered by this – perhaps because it completely alters my fantasy of this person…that and the fact that I was clueless – no gaydar at all on this one, but then again, I don’t think my gaydar works too well.

My friend and I were walking to the place where Chuck Palahniuk was appearing last night on his book tour for his latest novel, Stranger than Fiction. During our conversation she mentioned she had read an article about gay artists from Portland, and both he and Gus Van Sant were featured. "Chuck is gay??" I asked. "Are you sure you weren’t just reading about artists from Portland and they happen to mention Gus (who I know is gay) and Chuck in the same article??"

"No", she said. "I’m pretty sure it said he’s gay".

Wow. I had no clue. But then again it does make sense in a twisted way. I’m attracted to him and he’s completely the type I’d go for. So if he is really gay, it just confirms my theory that I only fall for men who are already in relationships, gay, or priests. And of course, you can have any combination thereof. I laughed it off thinking that perhaps my friend had indeed read the article wrong and that Chuck really wasn’t gay.

We went to the reading and I ended up buying Fight Club in the new paperback edition. I wanted something for Chuck to sign. As it turned out, I should have had him sign it before his reading as he seemed to be more energetic and had more time to talk with people, but as it turned out, I had him sign it after. I’ll get to that in a bit.

His reading was great, as always. But what a dark, sick mind he has for one so down-to-earth, polite and kind! At the start of the reading he had mentioned that a number of people have fainted during his reading of "Guts" which appeared in the March issue of Playboy and will be a chapter in his upcoming book entitled The Haunted. I wrote about it in my 9/7/03 entry here. It is this entry that I get the most hits on daily for people who are searching for "jacking off". And if they stay long enough to read that entry, I think they’ll lose the urge really quickly – it’s not a pretty story. I had entitled it, "my grossest entry to date", and it still is. That is, unless I was to tell you what Chuck read last night.

But I won’t. He said he could read us a few lighter and funny segments from the book, or he could read a whole chapter (19 pages) that was right from the devil’s ass. Of course we all voted for the latter. He had asked that no one videotapes or records the reading last night of the chapter in The Haunted entitled "Exodus." He said he wanted it to be fresh for people. He didn’t say not to write about it in one’s journal, but because he requested the other things, I will honor him by not giving a blow by blow here. Let’s just say it is very, very dark. His editor even said it was his darkest yet, and given how gruesome "Guts" is, that says something. This chapter is dark in a slightly different way. The whole theme running through it is about making people into objects and in turn making the objects into people. Think of the CPR dummies – the female one whom they fashioned its face from a dead French girl who had committed suicide a long time ago. A person made into an object who in turn is made back into a person so we can learn CPR and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. That’s how his story starts, but it gets SO dark. Some people have tears in their eyes – it’s very sad at times, but he can make it very funny (in a sick way) as well. It’ll have you squirming in your seats as much (if not more so) than "Guts" did. The only other thing I’ll say is that it involves other types of "dolls", and I’ll leave it at that. To say any more would take away the "freshness" that Chuck was alluding to when he requested for no taping or video recording. So if you’re that curious, buy the book when it comes out in a year or so, or go hear him speak at a bookstore near you.

During the Q&A session he handed out these very large fake flowers. He joked that he had bought out the store and now they are all over his house making it look like he lived in Munchkin-land. Even before he started with the questions, he was throwing out these small stuffed animals (there is a connection to the story he had read) – giraffes, camels, and some other stuffed thing, for anyone who had tears in their eyes during the story. He’s the only author I know that does this – I think it’s hysterical and really adds a unique embellishment to the Q&A session.

A lot of the questions asked I could have answered myself since I have now seen him speak about 4 times. (There were a lot of first-timers there last night). It’s wild how popular he’s become. Last summer I heard him a couple of times at bookstores; last Fall I was lucky to hear him at Powells which quickly filled to capacity. Last night he filled up the First Unitarian Church in downtown Portland. He’s huge!!!!

Afterwards, I waited in line to have him sign my book. A friend of his who also works at Powells and is part of the local Cacophony Society (I knew it by her "code" name) was stamping the books just before he signed them. I told her I recognized her name (sewn on her bookstore shirt) and that I had participated in the Santa-con this past December. She smiled and asked how I liked it. I told her I LOVED it. After Chuck was done talking to the person right before me, she mentioned to him that I did Santa-con. He asked me about it and I told him what a great experience it was for me and that it was he who inspired me from his story in his Portland Guidebook. I also mentioned that I heard him read his "Guts" story at the last reading and I had journaled about it here and that it frequently got hits by people looking for "jacking off" stories. He chuckled and said "probably not the audience you were hoping to attract!"

Because the line was so long, I unfortunately wasn’t able to converse with him any further about it. So my friend and I walked back to her apartment, and on the way, I gave her the full detailed account (or at least what I could remember) of "Guts". I really pulled her along to the climax, and we had to stop walking for her to hear the ending. She was both repulsed and fascinated, like I was when upon first hearing it. I later emailed her my journal account since he had more details than I could remember when telling her.

When I arrived at my house, I sat down and did a little research. Sure enough, Chuck came "out" to everyone last fall when he thought a journalist from Entertainment Weekly was going to "out" him. He’s been with his partner for 11 years, and I think his partner sat right in front of me last night. He was a very attractive man (yup – my type if I had a penis), and I remember thinking "if Chuck is gay, this is his partner" because that’s what my intuition was telling me – that and the fact there were other subtle signals. Of course I could be all wrong, but it really makes no difference.

So now I have to change my fantasies about Chuck – no longer are we getting married and having kids since I don’t have even a detachable penis. Now I have to be surrogate mom and egg donor for him and his partner; we’ll all co-parent and be a modern alternative family. That’s still a cool fantasy but it lacks the great sex we were having in my original one. Maybe they’d be into a threesome…:)

30-something - 2005-03-01
the holding back the the flow of tears - 2005-02-20
song survey - 2005-02-15
song for the day...or perhaps the year... - 2005-01-25
something new - 2005-01-24
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