2003-10-12 - 1:12 a.m. - regret if I do, regret if I don't

Did you ever do something that you really wanted to do and then you wish you hadn’t done???? It’s one of those catch-22 things that you’ll regret if you never did it, but then you might regret if you do it…..

Some history – I guess we’ll have to start with last night. I was volunteering at the haunted house, and this time I didn’t have to be behind the scenes moving the spiked wall. I got to be a "walk-around" character that looked like I had died a few days ago. My face was air-brushed white and on my eyes black paint had been applied when my eyes were scrunched so the black looked a bit wrinkled. It was very cool looking and I appeared quite dead. In any case, I ended up spending much of my "walk-around" time standing still in front of this room where you had two choices of doors to enter – "death" or "doom". I would sometimes point to which door would be the better of the two choices, and other times I would just stand there and stare blankly at the people to try to freak them out. My best moment was when this one guy came up to me and said to his friend, "wow – that almost looks real". I then moved my head up so my eyes met his and he freaked out and said, "Jesus Christ!!!!" It took everything in me not to crack up laughing…On another occasion, these teenagers who had entered the "death/doom" chamber came back out because they were lost. I gave them no indication as to which way was the proper way to go. One of them said, "Let’s try to make her laugh", and he proceeded to do a fake strip tease while singing Rod Stewart’s song, "If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy, come on sugar let it show…" Again, it took everything in me not to bust out laughing, but because they were trying to make me laugh, I focused on everything but them dancing in front of me…I didn’t even crack a smile, despite my inner mind being highly amused. It was a very amusing evening and I thought of my friend whom I have previously called, "Mr. Married Right", because he is a street performer who is a human statue.

So today, while I was downtown shopping at Borders to buy something during their educators discount weekend, I looked for Mr. Married Right. He was performing just outside of Nordstrom’s, but when I went to him the earlier in the afternoon, there was a family watching him with the kids yelling at him to move. I didn’t want to ruin the illusion for them, so I told my "Mr. Married Right" that I would come back later to talk with him when there was less of an audience. I really wanted to tell him about last night and my experience of being a statue for a while.

After buying Billy Collins’ (former Poet Laureate of the US) book, "Questions about Angels" (which is an awesome book of poetry), I went back to speak with Mr. Married Right. Well, I didn’t have to walk all the way back to Nordstrom’s as he was making his way towards my direction. He was taking his dinner break and was going to buy some sushi. I initially told him I would just email him since he hadn’t invited me to join him, but then I went about 10 yards or so when my brain screamed out to me, "why don’t you just join him and talk instead of emailing him. You always wanted to sit down and talk with him for a while… - now’s your chance." The other part of my brain paused for a moment and thought, "you might regret having had this chance if you don’t act now, and it might not come up again." So I u-turned my direction and caught up with him and asked if he minded having company. He said, "sure, you can hang out…", but the insecure part of me always questions if he was just being nice or if he really wanted my company.

On our way to Todai (the sushi place) I started telling him about my experience of being a "dead statue" last night. I asked him how he does it without laughing, and he said he just focuses beyond the people. Easier done with mirrored sunglasses like his that I didn’t have last night. I also told him how tired I was of just standing so still, and he said that he was tired too when he first started out. Once he got his take-out sushi, we sat in the food court and talked. Actually, I did most of the talking while he ate.

When we initially sat down in the food court, I asked him again if it was OK if I was joining him, because I really didn’t want to bother him if he had preferred to eat alone during his break. But he said that if I joined him, other people might at least leave him alone. He was still in costume and he’s pretty well know downtown. Well, don’t you know that we were interrupted a couple of times by "fans" of his. One little boy came up to say something to him, and three other teenage boys interrupted to tell him they really like what he does. He was cool about it all, and I found it quite amusing since I had just asked him if people bothered him much when he sits here to eat. Ah – the price of fame….

During our conversation, I told him about how I was now taking a poetry workshop once a month and how friends and I met every other Monday to read poetry. I told him it was he who first inspired my poetry and now it has blossomed into a whole other realm. I even read my latest poem to him – don’t ask me why – I just wanted him to hear it.

He was very gracious and listened, but because he’s pretty shy, I’m not sure if he was enjoying my company or if he was just being nice. Afterwards I felt a bit foolish – almost like one of my high school students in the trials and tribulations in love. Part of me was wishing I had just continued towards the light rail and hadn’t turned around to catch up with him and join him for dinner. The other part of me was glad I did because then I’d never have that feeling of regret of a missed opportunity to get to know him better. The whole thing is really stupid on my part since he is married and my feelings for him are way out of line. Then again, since I did get to talk with him and it did feel a bit awkward at times, my inappropriate feelings have started to wane a bit, so I guess that’s a good thing.

I think what made me feel stupid is that I’m sure he knows I like him. I’ve had that before when you have someone like you and they act in a certain way that you can tell. And when you don’t have the same feelings back, it’s a bit awkward, but you’re nice to them because you’re a nice person to begin with. But you really wish they’d just leave you alone. I guess I was on the opposite end of that scenario today and in retrospect, I must have seemed really stupid.

Even tonight when I went out with a group of friends and was watching this couple dance, I was really attracted to this guy who was a superb dancer and very nice looking. My gay friend told me this guy was gay, but I refused to believe it. Nevertheless, since I supposedly don’t have gay-dar, my gay friend was probably right. I always seem to fall for the unattainable guys – they’re gay, married or priests. (Well – I was attracted to this one young priest – Father "What-a-Waste" once, so that’s why priests are in my unattainable category.)

I told my friends that I think I need counseling. "Hi, my name is Teop, and my addiction is attraction to unattainables".

What does that really say about my openness to being in a relationship?????

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