2003-09-07 - 3:46 p.m. - grossest entry to date thanks to C. Palahniuk

There are so many other things I should be doing right now, but I just have to write before the moment escapes me.

The 5:30 a.m. alarm started off my school year last week, and I call it the "honeymoon phase" – the freshmen are still pretty much on their good behavior because they’re not really sure what to expect and are a bit nervous in their new surroundings. My ESL class though has some really chatty students, so I’m already going to have to move a few of them around if we are going to accomplish anything this trimester. I have upperclassmen my last period, so it’s a good way to end the day since they’re a bit more independent and self-motivated. The one thing that’s hard this year is that I teach 1st period, have my plan period 2nd, teach 3rd, have lunch, then teach 4th and 5th. My mornings feel much too much like go, stop, go, stop in terms of working with kids. I have PLENTY to do during my prep period, but the pace is very different – I’d much prefer teaching 2 periods and then having a break, or having 1st period prep so as to ease into my day and then go from there.

In any case, school was only part of my week. Wednesday I went to hear Chuck Palahniuk (again) at Powells. He was promoting his latest novel, Diary, which I bought and had him signed. He recognized me from before and said, "so you’re back again". I told him about my visit to the self-cleaning house and meeting Francis Gabe (see 7/22 entry), which he seemed to enjoy hearing. He’s actually being filmed by these Danish TV guys who are doing a documentary on him and his Portland guidebook. They were there filming the talk at Powells. Chuck didn’t read from Diary, though. He said he thought he’d read something that you’d never hear anywhere else. He proceeded to read three excerpts from what will end up being his next book – a collection of horror stories which I think he said is scheduled to come out in a couple of years. The three he read were all based on true stories and were about masturbation mishaps. I talked about one of them in my 7/18 entry which was the second one he talked about. The worst one is what he alluded to back in July, and on Wed. he read the account of it from his actual writing. Oh…my….God….EVERYONE was squirming – there were moans at various points, and one person in the back actually fainted. It was probably due to the heat from so many people being in the audience, but who knows. The subject matter was not for the faint of heart. Of course, his descriptions had us laughing at various points, which was much needed comic relief given that we knew this was based on a true story.

I’ll give a very brief synopsis here, but it is NOTHING like hearing him read it from his writing. Be forewarned – this is NOT a pretty story. Basically this guy (as a teenager, I think), would go in his parents pool when no one was home and jack off at the bottom of the pool. He would then have to go and collect the semen that was floating around in the pool for fear his mom or sister might come into contact with it. He was afraid his sister might somehow become pregnant and have this mutant child with two heads – both of which looked like him. (Funny how the teenage mind works…) He called the process of collecting up his semen pearl diving since the clumps resembled pearls. Don’t worry – that part is all a bit of details that made the story funny, but isn’t the horror part of the story.

In order to heighten his experience, he decided to sit on the water filter at the bottom of the pool while he jacked off. I guess something with the sucking on his butt and his hands on his cock really got him off. So he’s going at it, going at it, comes and then is ready to go to the surface since he was running out of air. He tries to get up but can’t. He’s stuck on the filter. He manages to wedge his foot under his butt and then frees himself from the force of the air filter. When he starts to make his way to the surface, he realizes, about half-way, that he no longer is making progress. He looks down only to see what, in his oxygen deprived state of mind, appears to be some big, bluish red, slimy tentacle from a "monster" in the filter. It has a hold of him and will not let go. He notices within this slimy thing is what appears to be a corn kernel, some other partially digested things, and this big orange vitamin that oddly enough looks exactly like the multivitamin he takes every day. What is it doing in this monster???? Then it dawns on him – this is not a monster; this slimy thing coming out of his butt and trapped in the air filter is his large intestine! If he continues to try to swim to the surface, he’ll be gutted, and if he doesn’t get some air soon, he’ll drown. Either way, he’s dead. He’s not able to dislodge the intestine from the air filter since he can’t even get a grip on it due to its sliminess. In short, he ends up getting a grip on the intestine with his teeth and biting through so he can break free and swim to the surface. Of course he had to be rushed to the hospital and have major surgery to repair his intestines, and now has a restricted diet due to his much shortened digestive system. And his parents, of course, found out what happened. It’s one of those things that you NEVER bring up again during the course of any family conversation. And that is how Chuck links the three stories together.

Wow – I am a bit repulsed but just had to type it out anyway. You’ll HAVE to read Chuck’s account of it given that he is so much more descriptive and horrific in the telling of it. I told this story to a friend of mine as we were visiting the art museum the other night. She had asked me how my week had been, and I just HAD to bring up this story. I don’t know why, but she was up for listening to it, so I included all the details. There we were, surrounded by colorful sculptures by Miro, and I was telling this story. I was trying my best to whisper and even resorted to hand motions, but when you do sign language for "jacking off", everyone knows what you’re saying.

It was funny, on Wed. night, there was an interpreter sitting at the front by the podium where Chuck was, and he was signing for someone. That’s how I now know the sign for "jacking off". Chuck made a joke and said, "clitoris", which the guy then had to sign. I bet that interpreter had NO idea what he was getting himself into when he agreed to sign for Chuck’s reading.

So, I must say, this is my grossest entry to date, thanks to Chuck Palahniuk. I still have to read Diary, but one thing I know, it’s can’t be much more horrific than what I just told you. I have more to say about the museum visit, but I’ve decided I really need to write a separate entry for that one.

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song for the day...or perhaps the year... - 2005-01-25
something new - 2005-01-24
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