2003-07-16 - 11:22 p.m. - An hour with Chuck Palahniuk

Tonight I went to hear Chuck Palahniuk read from his latest book entitled, "Fugitives and Refugees - A walk in Portland, Oregon". I tell ya’, he has some fascinating stories to tell. The book itself is not your typical guide book by any means…it is a tour of the rose city through not the back door, mind you, but perhaps a more descript word would be a tunnel. If you wish to learn about the strangeness of Portland – some of it historical, some of it legendary, this book is a great read. I’m already planning on going to the self-cleaning house sometime this summer! In addition to some fascinating stories about Portland, Chuck has written what he calls postcards, which are basically true autobiographical stories that occurred in his past – all in Portland, of course.

He’s been doing readings and signings at various bookstores all over town. Tonight he was at 23rd Avenue Books in NW Portland. They were having the reading outside in a small courtyard in the back of the store down this long, narrow walkway. I knew I wanted an autographed copy of the book, so I went inside to purchase it. The clerk had a pile of the books right there and said it was already signed but that Chuck would personalize it. And who is standing right behind her at a side counter signing someone else’s book but the author himself. I commented to the clerk how smart that was to get some signed before the reading, and Chuck looked up at me and smiled as he finished signing the book. I was taken aback at how attractive he is, and SO personable. When I gave him my book to sign, he started stamping it with a stamp, "Property of Dr. B. Alexander Sex Reassignment Clinic". He didn’t just stamp one page but a number of pages randomly chosen throughout the book. He said I would understand after reading the book.

He read a few excerpts from the book and then came the time for the Q & A session. Chuck said that to make this more fun and interesting, he started buying things he would give away – he said he loves to buy junk at the Dollar Store and places like that. He said in Chicago, he gave away tiaras to each person who asked a question. They had to wear the tiara while asking the question, and months later, he receive a letter from a girl saying that her boyfriend wore his tiara to class for two months afterwards. That made Chuck’s day.

Tonight’s giveaways were mostly rubber Halloween masks of "famous" WWF wrestlers. The masks also had fake hair and were quite hilarious – especially when the people put them on and then had to ask their question. The one he had the most of were a wrestler called, the grave digger. ("I bury thee, Ceasar".) He also had one red Santa’s hat that is very appropriate for one of his stories in the book.

A couple of answers stick out in my mind – one was in response to the question, "How has becoming a writer changed your life – like do you hang out with rich people?" Chuck first clarified that most of the rich people he knows don’t just hang out and sit idle all day long. They are usually working because it’s what they love doing – whether they’re actors, musicians, etc…, they just love their work. They don’t need a two-week vacation in Cancun to get away from work in order to be happy, because they’re happy just doing what they’re doing. He said he loves being around those types of people because they’re full of ideas and energy all the time.

He said that becoming a writer has made him use his everyday experiences in his work, and that makes him feel truly alive. Every moment can be an inspiration for his writing. He gave the example of his kidney stone that he has been in the process of passing the past couple of days. He was in severe pain but it made him realize the path that things take in his gut. He’s able to describe the pain in such a way now that he’ll use it in a story at some point where one of the characters gets stabbed in the gut. He said he is always writing down notes and inventorying them for some future use.

He has another book coming out in a month called, "The Diary", or something like that. And just this past week, his final version of a collection of horror stories just went to the editors. He told about one such story that is a true story. One of his college roommates had called him one day to ask him to get his geography homework. Chuck asked him what was up and the friend said he couldn’t say but that he was at a local hospital. Well, the story of the reason for him being in the hospital in the first place will have any guy squirming. It had ME squirming and I don’t have a penis!!! It turns out that this roommate had been jacking off and wanted to heighten the experience. He had been a marine and over in the Middle East, he had seen these golden swords (kind of like a letter opener) that men stick down their urethras then they have a boner in order to make for a better orgasm. Not having a golden sword, his roommate (who was stoned at the time) improvised with some candle wax that was dripping off of a lit candle. He collected some wax and then rolled it into a long thin stick and stuck it in his urethra. During the whole process of doing this and jacking off at the same time, he had let go of the end of the wax stick, and it was now lodged into his urethra. He thought if he waited a while he might be able to piss it out, but no such luck. It had become a "v" shape and was now in his bladder causing severe pain. He had to pay the hospital 16 grand to take it out. Chuck said his roommate ended up dropping out of school, moving to AK, and hasn’t been heard or seen since.

Chuck said that when he’s told this story at parties, it somehow opens the door for others to share similar stories about masturbation mishaps. "If you think that’s bad, wait ‘til you hear this!"…He joked that his collection of these stories was kind of like the guy’s version of An American Quilt. He compiled a number of them in a chapter that is in his horror stories book that will be coming out at some point in the near future.

Needless to say, there’s a good chance I just might try to catch him at another book signing this Friday at Powell’s.

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