2003-06-26 - 9:36 p.m. - one - it's such a lonely number

I was thinking of writing about those moments I mentioned yesterday that make me happy to be alive, but I’m not happy at the moment, so I guess I’ll write about the melancholy and what seems like infinite sadness.

It seems like I should be thrilled that now I’m FINALLY on summer vacation with extended contract time completed at school and today’s completion of a three-day workshop. I am happy that I’ll have more time to read, visit with friends, finish unpacking and organizing my house, catch up on some movies, go hiking and enjoy the amazing summer weather in Oregon, but tonight I’m not happy. Perhaps my busy schedule at school and complete exhaustion by the end of each day allowed for an easy escape of emotions I’ve been avoiding.

I look around and have some amazing friends who I know would be there for me, and more than one of those I would consider "best" friends, but when I think of which of those would reciprocate that title of "best" with me, I don’t know…..many of them have partners and are in good relationships, so their partner is their best-best friend. I don’t know why I have to look for superlatives to validate myself or boost my self-esteem, but I guess I do for some reason. I’m not anyone’s best-best friend. Well, perhaps one person, but she’s away for the summer and I guess I just need someone here now.

I’m scared of living my whole life alone and partner-less. I’ve traveled the world, and more than one continent by myself, but I’m still scared of being alone. I sometimes think about the future, when my parents are no longer living, who will truly love me as a primary person in their life? I know this is so stupid but I’m just sad and scared and I’m tired of being alone. Tears fall as I type this and I know I’m being pathetic but it’s just where I’m at right now.

I know this journal is for me, but I guess I put it up on-line so as not to feel quite alone. The ironic thing is that no one reads this anymore so I’m back to square one.

One – it’s such a lonely number….it stands tall and tries its best not to be afraid, and it hopes one day to meet another one so together they’ll make two…still one and one but together something more….

30-something - 2005-03-01
the holding back the the flow of tears - 2005-02-20
song survey - 2005-02-15
song for the day...or perhaps the year... - 2005-01-25
something new - 2005-01-24
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